Found it and a bunch of paper I was looking for that I needed for my taxreturn just over a week ago but then I simply could not find them. Wonder why that is.
This brings me to the subject of why I ended up sleepless in the first place. I woke up at 3 today after just barely 4 hours of sleep and after the necessary visit to the bathroom my brain was busy mulling over forgetfullness. Last night I was reminded about how I am very forgetfull and one of the things I sadly have to admit I forget is birthdays. I used to be so meticulous when it come to my friends and family and my calender used to be filled with colourful notes every month telling me who had a birthday coming up next and I used to try make everyone feel special by sending cards, bringing personal gifts and such. My mother even had a discussion with me about it a few times as she thought I was being way too generous especially as most of these people did not seem to return the favour but I loved giving. I still do and I think I am a generous person normally but these days gifts may not necessarily coincide with someone's birthday unless I am reminded about it several times in the days, weeks leading up to it and invited to attend a certain day. Of course this doesn't just apply to birthdays as that may sound a bit insensitive but a good example is that I had a note about a meeting that was going to take place last Tuesday sitting on my fridge in plain sight for me every day and still I missed that meeting. By that I'm trying to say that even if I still had the colourful notes in my calender it's not a given that I actually register that information and act on it.
Some good examples this year already is a friend having her birthday at the end of March and she did remind me about 4-5 days before the event, very subtly by just telling me her plans for that day. Just to make sure I wrote it down to make sure I would remember to give her a call on the day. Well I woke up the day after her birthday and realised I had forgotten completely.
In April I have a friend who has her birthday the day after my brother so easy to remember...at least it should be and yet I totally missed her big day. And that list goes on and on.
The reason I ended up sleepless over this was feeling guilty about forgetting this particular birthday and having unintentionally hurt a friend. I have a feeling it is not just her but another friend as well who had her birthday just a couple of days earlier who I know would feel very forgotten and neglected on that day and I told her had I still been in Australia I would have come to see her and take her out somewhere. But go from that to completely forget doesn't feel good. Feelings of guilt is the worst for me so any ideas on how to overcome this problem would be helpful.
So why is this? I wish I had a clear explanation but I don't even know for sure when it started happening as I also forget names and not just people's names but names of items, places etc and sometimes I probably sound like a total dill during a conversation because halfway through my sentence a word suddenly escapes me and at other times I can even jumble everything up so I don't even know myself what I just said. Some days are worse than others and especially during and after a migraine my brain is impaired. Can my migraines be what is causing my memory to be like this? I have no idea but I guess it's an interesting topic to google some day when I am bored. Another cause may be the bike accident I was in back in 2005 when at least my face got to taste the bitumen on the road since I wasn't wearing a full face helmet and I had a mild concussion as well along with cuts and bruises.
A month after that incident I was invited back here to Sweden for my sister's wedding but when my doctor heard about it she said no, absolutely not under any circumstances was I allowed to get on a plane for at least six months and especially not to fly for so many hours going overseas. I could have brain injuries that didn't show up on any scans and it could take up to a year for them to show up and flying with the different airpressure and such could trigger them, if I had any.
I would love to blame this accident for my memory problems as that is way more comforting than to think that what if I could have Alzheimers or something....no I won't even go there. What I do know is that my migraines became much more frequent after the accident than I ever had them before so something happened. One problem I have taken care of and that was my nose that was crooked and half blocked afterwards so now it's all healed and I can breathe better again I have less migraines as I'm sure some of my migraines were in fact sinus pain.
Anyway I won't solve the problem this morning and now I have better get off my bum and get some clothes on, some breakfast in my belly and head off into town so I don't end up late for my appointment.
Lena, I really enjoyed this post. I feel as if I've gotten to know you even better and you have allowed us to see a part of you that frightens you to some degree. Hugs my friend, and thanks for sharing so much of yourself in this post.
ReplyDeleteLena, thank you ever so much for a peek into your personal concerns.
ReplyDeleteYou ask for advice -- mine... don't punish yourself for forgetfullness, that serves you little purpose and only adds to your unease. Write all special occasions you wish to remember in a calendar, one that you look at every morning. Then you'll know the special little things you don't wish to forget.
As for your migraines -- I'm so sorry you have these, and so do I. I suffer through them, naturally, as there are no funds for a doctor's care.
Sleeplessness? Well, I've been an insomniac since childhood, due to child abuse and not wanting to sleep for fear of being awakened in the night to abuse of myself or a sibling I should be protecting (big sis). So I never learned to sleep and suffer insomnia still today. But it's really not suffering for me, as I do my best creating in the wee hours o' the night when the rest o' the world snoozes the night away.